How I became a Daughter to my Mother-in-law?

How I became a Daughter to my Mother-in-law?

Hey guys! After avoiding this topic for years, I am finally putting it down on my blog. I have got many messages from friends & unknown people to know the secret of my relationship with my mother in law (MIL). The question is How to become a Daughter to a Mother-in-law? or How to make my MIL love me like her own daughter? I think we all look for an answer to these questions when things are not so cool in our relation with our MIL.

Before sharing the tips I want to mention that this is my story and not expert advice. It may or may not help you. You may or may not connect with it. The only idea behind sharing this post is to let everyone know that it is possible. You can bring that CHANGE!

Story of my Life

I had a dream to marry in a family who would accept me the way I am.

And, love me like a daughter.

Also, I was very clear that I won’t allow my parents to give dowry or any kind of gifts to the groom’s family. Neither would let anyone make them feel any less because they are the parents of a girl.

Now, I had some beliefs of my own too.

  • I believe in One Superpower or One God which means no idol worship, temple visits or following rituals.
  • And, I don’t believe in traditions & customs which make no sense to me.
  • Instead, I strongly believe in science & evidence-based theories.
  • I also believe in equality & living life on my own terms.

Luckily, I found Sumit who never questioned my beliefs & I also fell in love with his family from day 1 of our meeting. They are simple, honest and down to earth people.

Before marriage, my parents clearly mentioned about my dreams and beliefs to my to be mother-in-law and she assured them that she will love me like a daughter. I was happy because they were the only family I met who didn’t want me to change after marriage.

Reality after Marriage

I had already fallen in love with Sumit’s family & I just wanted them to be happy especially his mother. I felt a connection with her, she doesn’t have a daughter & I wanted to show her the love of a daughter. So, every time we would visit her, I tried to impress her by doing things she wanted me to do to build our relationship. Waiting to get acceptance & love in return (my biggest mistake).

And, gradually it all started feeling like a burden. I never felt that love which I was hoping to get from her. One day, I broke down in front of Sumit. I cried & cried, he was clueless & couldn’t understand what I was going through. So, to vent out I updated the status on my Facebook.

I received a lot of comments, messages & calls from friends that day but no one said ‘keep trying & don’t give up now’. Everybody wanted me to accept it as my fate which I couldn’t because I knew this was not my fate.

Mother-in-law #relationships #family

And, then I did another post the next day to share what was going wrong.

DIL vs MIL

Click here to go to this post

By putting down my thoughts on social media and discussing it openly, I realized this problem is not about MIL-DIL relationship. It’s about the mindset, everyone is suffering because of it but nobody wants to take charge and bring some change.

Then & there I knew what I had to do. I knew my MIL is not a bad person, she never treated me badly just that she never treated me the way I wanted. Maybe because she had never seen anyone treating their DIL like a daughter.

Time to Work towards Bringing a Change!

And, I did one last post on the next day because I understood what I needed to do now.

DIL vs MIL

Click here to go to this post

6 Tips from my Experience which helped me become a Daughter to my Mother-in-law.

How I became a daughter to my MIL? #relationship #love #family #change

PIN it!

TIP 1- Never expect a thing without communicating your expectations clearly.

My first mistake was trying to impress her by doing things I didn’t believe in. And yet expecting her to accept me the way I am. I never showed her my true self.

MIL is not a God, she will never know what you are feeling & what you expect if you won’t share it.

I know it is awkward to share expectations directly but believe me if communicated in a proper manner that could change your life forever. So, I took help from my husband.

Tip 2- If your husband is supportive, share your feelings with him. If he’s not, first work on your relationship.

Initially, it was not easy to convince him to help me with my plan. He suggested that I keep a distance from his mother & stop visiting her. This was not what I wanted. And, it took us 1 year 7 months to make things work. Don’t send your husband to talk to his mother about you, instead keep him as a backup in case you need help.

Even though Sumit was always supportive but we had our share of arguments on this topic. Mostly because I had no patience & wanted to see the results immediately. Remember to have patience because change doesn’t happen overnight.

Tip 3- Take initiative. If you want to improve things, talk directly to your Mother-in-law.

Remember she’s from the older generation, her beliefs may not change. But you have to try to ask for your freedom. Talk to her like you would talk to someone close, share what you feel. Chances are that she may get offended and go to her son & complain. That’s when your husband will come as a support to tackle the situation.

Go back to her & talk again. Ask her why she felt offended, use emotions, remember she’s also a woman. Take it slow! Again, don’t expect things to change overnight.

Tip 4-  Make it about her and not you.

Talk to her about her life. Ask about her childhood, her dreams, what makes her happy, her fears. My mother-in-law told me she wanted to learn how to use a smartphone. She also told me that she wanted to fly in an airplane once in her life. She had never traveled far except once or twice. I felt a connection that day with her, I realized there was a little girl in her with many dreams just like me.

That day I found a purpose, I decided to fulfill her dreams. We took her to movies, we traveled, she even learned how to operate a smartphone & then she got one for herself. Now she also has an account on Instagram to like my pics. wink* wink*

I told her she deserves to live her dreams & there is no shame in that. I saw a sparkle in her eyes. I am sure that was the day she too understood me.

Tip 5- Once you feel a connection building in your relationship, talk about your beliefs & expectations.

This was the time when I felt really comfortable with her.  And, I talked about the changes we should bring, something which is for the betterment of everyone. Here are a few things which we changed in our family-

  • There are no formalities in the 2 families now. We meet & we have fun. We travel together.
  • I am treated as a part of the family, just like a daughter.
  • No gifts or money distributed in the name of ritual or custom not even to the extended family.
  • I’m free to wear whatever I want. I’m free to choose which traditions I want to follow.
  • And, I’m not forced for prayer or temple visits.
  • I don’t cook at mother-in-law’s house unless I feel like cooking.
  • I make my own decisions.
  • The rule for the extended family- Give Respect, Take Respect. No strings attached!

Here’s an Instagram post I wrote 2 years back when we were going on a trip for my birthday with both my mom & mother-in-law for the first time. This was one of my dreams I used to tell my mom, to travel together as a family with no formalities.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Neha Sharma (@growing_with_nemit) on

I want to mention that bringing this change might look easier to many of you since I am not living with my MIL under one roof. Also, my mother-in-law is not too stubborn as other MILs are as told to me by many of my friends. I don’t have a father-in-law, also no sister-in-law. And, not to forget the relatives, now they don’t have much say in our family matters. Trust me it was still not that EASY but absolutely worth the EFFORTS.

Your task would definitely become more difficult if you have to deal with all such situations. But, I am still very sure that nothing is impossible. Making or breaking a family is in our hands, just don’t give up before trying. And, don’t change yourself at any cost.

Also, please don’t assume that things can’t improve or your relationship can’t get better. Take steps towards it, fight for your rights!

In my fight, I lost many other relations who felt offended to see my mother-in-law love me like a daughter. It hurt a lot initially but I am happy with my little family & I really don’t need haters in my life.

I still have so much to share & explain but I’ll leave you guys here to ponder upon this question, hope you find your answers soon. How to become a Daughter to a Mother-in-law?

Today, I can proudly say ‘We have broken the norms and social barriers in our family’


#WeeklyBlogHop #BlogHop

This post is part of the Weekly Blog Hop hosted by me and Alpana. To read posts from other bloggers, follow the hashtag #WeeklyBlogHop on social media.


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22 Comments

  1. Sindhu Vinod Narayan August 9, 2019 at 4:46 pm - Reply

    That’s an eye-opener you’ve shared herem thank you so much for sharing this.

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 10, 2019 at 12:20 am - Reply

      Thanks Sindhu

  2. Shubhra Rastogi August 9, 2019 at 7:48 pm - Reply

    Great post-Neha! Been there done that. Initially, I also tried a lot to impress my MIL. But alas things fell flat. I was very disheartened for almost a year and a half especially after my daughter was born as I used to think that she only cares for her son and granddaughter. But slowly things have changed and yes changed for the better. We share a much better equation now and she often looks up to me for advice as well. I am so happy that you worked on your differences with your MIL and did not listen to the world. Great going girl.

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 14, 2019 at 2:04 pm - Reply

      Wow, Shubhra this is just great. This relationship comes with a tag of handle with care and even a little miscommunication can break the bond forever. Sometimes, giving time to the relationships also heals things. Glad to know that you have a better equation with your mil. Thank you for reading.

  3. Pragnya Mishra August 9, 2019 at 7:55 pm - Reply

    In my 10 years of relationship with my MIL I did face similar situation multiple times. Troubles come when both a right but others can’t see it. With time I have seen certain changes in two ways. Few of your tips did work well for us.
    Going up with posts like this deserves a pat in the back friend.

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 10, 2019 at 12:19 am - Reply

      Thanks a lot, Pragnya 🙂

  4. Noor Anand Chawla August 9, 2019 at 9:02 pm - Reply

    I really appreciate your honesty here Neha. It must have taken a lot of courage to say this publicly. However, I don’t agree with you. I don’t think this has anything to do with a MIL-DIL relationship- it has more to do with the personality of the person. I live with my in-laws, and my MIL is honestly one of my dearest friends but I have never wanted her to be a mother to me. She has also never wanted me to be a daughter to her. We both chose to be each other’s friends and touchwood, we have never fought/had any issues despite living together for 5.5 years. It is simply a question of knowing the other person’s personality, so you are aware of their expectations. I know that I am certainly not the norm as far as Indian DIL’s go, but I’m hoping I can offer a different perspective to others out there 🙂

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 9, 2019 at 11:56 pm - Reply

      It’s ok Noor if you don’t agree with me because as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, this is my story and others may or may not connect with it. I am happy to know that you share a friendly relation with your mil & you never wanted to a daughter to her, it is ok. You got what you wanted, right? But in my case, I wanted to have a mother after marriage, a relation based on pure love & not on the LAW. This post is all about improving one’s relationship with their mil & have a happy family. This post is for those daughters-in-law who don’t share a very healthy relationship with their mil & are suffering daily because of it. It is for those who think mil-dil relation is meant to be twisted & they have accepted it as their fate. It is for those who crib & cry about their ‘not-so-good’ relationship but never take a step to bring the change they want to see even if that means understanding each other’s personalities. Thank you once again Noor for sharing your views.

  5. Alpana Deo August 9, 2019 at 9:49 pm - Reply

    I share an open communication with my MIL. From the very beginning I kept it very clear and simple. I don’t live with them but whenever they visit us, it’s for 3-4 months straight. To some it looks easy as they see it as “you’d in laws stay here only for a couple of months and they also don’t want any kind of bitter moments” but to me that is the only chance to understand them. Same thing goes for them as well. I talk to her on many topics, ask doubts, even share silly moments. U have always see the same openess in my family too. My mom shared an open communication with my grandma and I guess that set the stage for me.

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 9, 2019 at 11:30 pm - Reply

      Open communication is the key to improving any relationship and it is always better to keep some things clear from the very beginning. Every family has a different story which outsiders can never understand. I am really glad to know that you have openness in your relationship with your mil, Alpana 🙂

  6. Varsha Nitin Gode August 9, 2019 at 11:39 pm - Reply

    Well-expressed post. I must share something here as I relate to you in some way. I love the 1st and the last picture with your MIL made me recollect the famous show Tu Tu Main Main. The last picture was such a cute one with the belan :p
    I’m born and brought up in Pune, are roots and ancestors were in Sindhdurg (Konkan). I got married and shifted to a new place in Konkan, this was a drastic change from a city to a not so developed place called Kudal, although Goa and Malvan are nearby it was kind of different than Pune. I have no friends here other than hubby and my MIL. She has treated me like her own daughter, I’ve been through the miscommunication phase due to the age gap and differences in thinking but she never spoke badly to me. Initial days helped me cope with city change made me feel home.
    I might plan a post on my MIL too and share my story plus add this story of yours 🙂
    Virtual hugs to you dear 🙂

    #WeeklyBloghop #bloghop #GWNxMG

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 14, 2019 at 1:59 pm - Reply

      Thanks Varsha, I am glad to know that you could connect with my story. Would love to read your story too, do share the link with me.

  7. Kushal August 9, 2019 at 11:49 pm - Reply

    Such an honest post… sharing all this needs a lot of guts especially in a society that is so often known for being judgemental.. some nice tips u shared neha… a good read

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 14, 2019 at 1:55 pm - Reply

      It needed to be shared because even after 4 years of my marriage I get a lot of messages from random ppl on this topic. And, there is no way to advise everyone without knowing their whole situation, also I’m not a therapist dealing with family issues. That’s why I found it best to share my experience on the blog. I’m sure the message has reached the right audience.

  8. Priyal August 9, 2019 at 11:56 pm - Reply

    In the last 14years I have build a very beautiful relation with my mother in law though there us little nauk jhok but still, the love is always there..
    Loved your post Neha 😍

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 14, 2019 at 1:52 pm - Reply

      So glad to know about your bonding with your mil. Nauk jhok is always good, it confirms that the relationship has love. Thanks a lot, Priyal.

  9. Aditi Kapur August 10, 2019 at 7:54 am - Reply

    It’s wonderful that you took this platform to express your relationship with your MIL. Though every saas-bahu relationship is different, your post will help many newbies;)

    #BlogHop
    #GWNxMG
    @growingwitnemit @alpana_deo

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 14, 2019 at 1:50 pm - Reply

      I hope it helps someone who feels there’s a need for change which could make the whole environment happy & healthy for everyone in the family.

  10. Judy August 11, 2019 at 10:31 pm - Reply

    That’s such an interesting and debatable topic to discuss about.. Your story is not hunky dory but finally you suceeded. I too tried but there is a vasttttttt difference in priorities.

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 14, 2019 at 1:48 pm - Reply

      It’s a good thing that you tried, if someone has other priorities then there’s nothing one can do.

  11. Pr@Gun August 12, 2019 at 11:00 pm - Reply

    Interesting post, loved the pics a lot
    But everyone has a different experience in this relation. I have experienced that if your mil has a daughter meaning you have a sil then it’s very hard she will treat you exactly as your daughter, but she has a different fondness with you. In my case, I was a girl from the metro city who bought the digital change and new experimental differences in our house. Ditto like you said now my mil has her FB, insta accounts to chk mine. I had respected the age-old traditions being followed and mixed them with my scientific modern thoughts without hurting her feeling or leaving what they had followed for years. My mil has pampered me a lot in pre & post-pregnancy in absence of my mother which is unforgettable. So this is how I connect with my MIL since 10 years living with her and now understanding her better than her son.

    • mm
      Neha Sharma August 13, 2019 at 10:10 am - Reply

      That’s wonderful, Pragun. I know every family is different & every dil is also different. The whole idea is to live happily & let others live happily too. Even I respect other’s beliefs & I’ve never asked anyone to change that. And the same I’ve asked from them. I am happy I got that. And really proud of you for bringing the desired changes in your family. Thanks for stopping by dear!

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